Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:01 Welcome to the Hand-in-Hand Parent Club podcast. I'm Emily Murray, a hand-in-hand instructor and a mom of two.
Speaker 1 00:00:06 I'm Kathy Gordon, a single adoptive mom of a now young adult son, a hand-in-hand instructor, and we are both moderators of hand-in-hand, awesome membership program, the parent club.
Speaker 0 00:00:17 Every week we'll be answering a parenting question. You'll hear about hand-in-hand, parenting's, powerful, respectful parenting tools. We'll share how they help you work with your child's feelings, especially when their behavior gets harder, confusing.
Speaker 1 00:00:29 You can feel good about using these tools. They've brought warmth and connection to our own families and to many thousands of families around the world who are using the hand-in-hand approach.
Speaker 0 00:00:39 That's why hand in hand and the parent club exist. We're here to support you and your family so you have more good, sweet, fun times together. Hello all. Welcome back. We have our last question of, uh, the season. And this question comes from a parent who is rather new to the hand in hand approach and they're, they're feeling, they really like the tools, um, but they find that they don't actually know what to do in the moment when, when a behavior is happening, when a limit needs to be set, when something is going on. It's like they feel frozen from having too many options. And so we really wanted to answer this question as our final question because I think they aren't alone even for seasoned, um, hand in hand, uh, folks, this happens all the time.
Speaker 1 00:01:33 I can remember, um, when I first learned about hand in Hand, I think my son was, you know, around two or three or, you know, I was really wanting to be a gentle parent. And, and I, I literally, I can see myself standing there in the kitchen. My son was, I don't know, refusing to do something or having a tantrum. And I can remember like going through the list, the Rolodex, if you're old enough to remember what a Rolodex is, like the, the, the, the list in my mind of how can I make him do this? You know, like, what can I threaten? What can I bribe? What can I take away? You know, because that's how most of us were parented. So those are the ideas and kind of the language that, um, that pops into our mind, uh, of like, how can I make my child do what I need them to do?
Speaker 0 00:02:27 Well, and it does feel a little urgent in the moment. Like, I gotta get stuff done. I've got 8 million more things to do. So we do feel like, oh, if they could just do what I need them to do, we could get on with our day.
Speaker 1 00:02:38 Yes, absolutely. And so we wanna shift that perspective a little bit or just shift that par paradigm a little bit and just remind you that, um, at hand in hand all of our tools are connection tools. And so this last episode of our season, if there's one thing we want you to take away from this, it's, if your intention is to connect, you cannot get this wrong. You know, we're gonna talk a little bit about how you can use the tools together and move from one to the other. But if you intention is if to connect, you cannot get this wrong. Cuz we're shifting from getting them to do what we want to, connecting with them and reaching for them to truly gain cooperation. You know, it goes back to that brain science piece that humans are, are more willing to cooperate when they feel connected and emotionally safe. So it doesn't really matter what tool you use when your intention is connection. And it doesn't mean you may, you know, you may have flops, you might try something, you know, you'll have plenty of times where what you offer isn't what they need, you know, and so you know, you, you'll recalibrate, but that's okay. You can regroup and offer connection in another way. We have lots of ideas for you.
Speaker 0 00:04:00 And this, this practice is really like learning a new language. This is a language that you will hone over the course of a lifetime with your child because you're, you're creating this unique language just between the two of you where you're getting to know them, they're getting to know you. Um, and really we are always often using the tools together in some way. So it's even rarely a cho of like, um, I guess I'll use stay listening here. Often it's a, it's a clump, a clump of tools is what you end up using because you are connecting with your child and responding in the moment with connection.
Speaker 1 00:04:43 Yeah. So I have this great, um, example of like using all the tools together. So, um, my son was, uh, really struggling. He's, he's often struggled with, uh, learning with school assignments. And, um, so there's this particular assignment he had to do and he just kept saying, I can't, I can't. And so I was kind of working around, okay, well you could do this other page, you know, that, that, you know. And so then I got listing time around it and I realized that I don't know what his eyes can see, you know, I don't know what the experience is inside his brain, but I do know that he's got feelings around this. So that afternoon I decided to bring a limit and say, yeah, this is what we're doing today, sweetie. And he got super upset, started to cry. I can't, I can't, I'm stay listening.
Speaker 1 00:05:36 He, I don't know if he had his shirt off or he took it off, but he, you know, started to whip me with his, tried to whip me with his shirt. So now there's, so now how am I gonna stay? Listened to aggression? Okay, I need to keep everybody safe. So I grabbed a blanket and held this blanket up in between us. Now he starts to giggle and he is trying to whip me over the blanket to the side of the blanket and under the blanket. And I took the blanket and kinda wrapped it around his arm at, with the, where what was holding the shirt and pulled him towards me. We collapsed in a heap. It kind of turned into a pillow fight. Um, we're laughing and then heed this big sigh. And he said, can I have special time? I said, sure. I got five minutes.
Speaker 1 00:06:17 What do you wanna do? He said, I wanna throw the football. He went outside, set the timer, threw the football. He came inside and he sat down and he did the assignment like that. It blew my mind that what was getting in the way of his cooperating was feelings. And when I, I, first I got listening time around it, then I brought a limit and listened to his feelings. It turned playful. Then he wanted special time, and then he, he was able to cooperate. And it was really, um, quite a mind blowing experience for me of moving from one tool to another. And, but I just kept connecting. And on the other side of it, we got, I got cooperation.
Speaker 0 00:06:59 This is such a great example of this process of moving from one tool to another. And it's really, I mean, it, it's, these tools are so simple in how, in, in the idea of them. And yet they're so complex and nuanced when we start actually using them. And I just wanna highlight like, this is, this was a big project you did over days and there were likely roadblocks you hit and messy moments you hit and impatient moments that came up. And, um, while we tell you these stories of like, ah, yes, a breakthrough happened, that's because there's days of, of connection and attempts and reaching for them that likely happened before that. And it's just this human relationship, um, experience that we have. And so keeping in mind that these tools are meant to be used altogether, um, you may feel more adept at one than another.
Speaker 0 00:08:00 You may feel like a really skilled play listener, but stay listening is really tough on you. Um, so when you think of these as a group of tools that you use together, um, there are some great examples of like, um, the typical things that we often hear in parent club are like, play listening is getting really wild. Like not in a good way. Wild. Sometimes play listening can ramp up in a good sweaty laughing thing. And, and, you know, while it gets a little wild, it feels like good things are happening and sometimes it goes sideways. So you can see that aggression and wildness bubbling up and they might go too far in that moment. And you offer a gentle limit. So you insert a, whoops, that was a little too hard for me. Let's use pillows. And, you know, you're onto something when they refuse to, to keep it safe. So they keep coming at you. And then you might move into stay listening where you keep reiterating that limit and keeping everybody safe. So while protecting yourself, you continue to say, Nope, that's too rough for me and I can't let you hit me like that. And so you stay, listen, and it might weave like Kathy's story back into some play listening at some point. But you are following their lead and seeing what they need from you, how you can show up so they can move those feelings out of the way.
Speaker 1 00:09:21 I think one of our, our best, um, like kind of clearest examples of the tools being used together in tandem is special time is you're giving your child that undivided attention, that connection, and then the timer goes off, which is a limit. And sometimes when kids bump up against that limit, they, they then feelings bubble up. And so you move into stay listening. And that's actually why we recommend leaving a little extra time after special time for this very thing. So, and you know, so that if they, if when the timer goes off, their feelings bubble up, you've left a buffer of time where you can listen to their feelings and you know, your stay listening. And it might turn playful as it did with my son. And that's where you, you know, it's a bit of a dance. And again, if your focus is on connecting, you can't get this wrong. They, they, they might, you know, as you, as you stay listening, they might start to chase you, um, come after you and it turns into a chase game. So again, it's the idea of connecting and, um, and listening.
Speaker 0 00:10:38 I've, I've had the, I mean, I think any parent who has attempted this more than once has probably had the experience of upset after state after special time. Um, I hid once, like I hid under a blanket and playing with that, you can't have me while they are definitely getting you is so fun. Um, I, there's one story that an instructor told about moving from, um, stay listening into play, listening. Um, a question we often hear from parents is like, stay listening can feel like it goes on forever sometimes. And you know, there are times where either you or your child are kind of looking for an out of this. Like, uh, just get me out of this swamp of feelings. Um, and an instructor told a story about, um, a particular stay listening that was going on for a really long time, and her daughter kind of accidentally wiped her nose on this instructor's arm. And so the instructor took it as a like, oh, maybe I could do something with this. Um, and got playfully grossed out by the slime that was, that was on her arm. And so invited her daughter to become a slime monster. And that moved into play listening with her, trying to escape from her snotty slime monster child. So the key here is we're following the feelings, the feelings moved from tears and, and upset, which are great to laughter and power reversals, which are also great, also healing for their, their emotional system.
Speaker 1 00:12:09 Yeah. Speaking of long stay listening, I, I just remembered this. Um, I was, I had been listening to my stay, listening to my son for, I don't know, a good 20, maybe even 30 minutes. And I thought, I'm running outta gas. And so I, you know, we tell parents it's really, it's okay to take a little break. I told my son, I'm just gonna get a drink of water. I'll be back in a minute. I I'll be back to listen to you in a minute. And I'm walking into the kitchen and I asked him, you know, do you want some water? And as soon as I said that, I regretted it because I, I envisioned him like throwing the water <laugh>. But he said, sure, if I can dump it on your head. And I thought, I'm gonna go with this. And I said, okay, let's go outside. And it turned from a really long stay listening where I was running out of gas to, you know, he, he, he dumped water on my head and I'm outside. And then I said, why don't you get the Vitamix picture? And he d filled. And it only took a few minutes of that before we were able to move on. And I think it was probably schoolwork again that we were, that I was holding the limit around <laugh>. So,
Speaker 1 00:13:17 Um, it, you know, it's, it's really wonderful and tricky to have so many options to offer both connection and limits. And we really want you to, we want you to see this as a good thing. We want you to see this as empowering. Um, there's so much about parenting that can make us feel powerless and incapable and taken for granted. You know, just that we were just talking about special time where they get upset with the timer goes off. And I've often thought, you know, what the heck? I just gave you 10 minutes of my precious time and undivided attention. You ungrateful little, you know, and in that moment of feeling powerless or taken for granted, what I can do is put my frustration into being playful. You know, um, uh, or take a deep breath and simply listen.
Speaker 0 00:14:07 Mm, yeah. So hard and so good and so important. All of those things. Um, and we really do have to remind ourselves about this over and over and over again because the message out there in the world is that parenting is something we do to our children or at our children. Um, and it's almost like they leave the children out of the equation altogether when they're talking about parenting approaches. Um, but we see parenting as a practice. This is a lifelong evolution of a relationship with our child. Um, and because this is a practice, it takes practice and you deserve support, we all do for this human evolution work that we are just in the thick of it, uh, together. So consider joining a class, um, or joining the parent club community or seeking out some like-minded, um, parents, uh, around you who, who might know about hand in hand or might be interested in it to see if you can get some listening time going or a little, um, support group that you can connect with there. There are definitely options for support as you think through this, as you try things as you feel stuck. Um, we're, we're building a nest with you and with all the parents who are part of this approach, uh, to, to have this support for each other.
Speaker 1 00:15:30 So our one small thing, and it's not so small <laugh> that we have for you this week, um, as we wrap up season two, we would love for you to experiment with saying to yourself, I cannot get this wrong. How can I connect? I cannot get this wrong. You know, let me, let me think about how I can connect here. Do I wanna bring a warm limit and or do I wanna get silly or do I wanna lay down on the floor and let them come to me? You know, lead with connection. Find connection in your interactions. Return to connection if you go off track and remind yourself, keep reminding yourself, I cannot get this wrong. You are good. Your children are good. And we hope that we see you in the hand-in-hand network, the parent club community and back here for season three, so we can keep reminding you of your goodness. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks
Speaker 0 00:16:26 So much everybody.
Speaker 1 00:16:28 See you next season. Bye-bye.
Speaker 0 00:16:31 Thank you so much for tuning into the Hand and Hand Parent Club podcast. Please like and subscribe to hear more and to connect with us between these episodes. Come on over to hand and hand parenting.org to join the parent club where you can get coaching classes and live support.
Speaker 1 00:16:44 Come join our vibrant community of parents in the parent club who are committed to getting the support they need to be the parents they wanna become. We'd be honored to support you too. This podcast and the Parent Club are part of Hand-in-Hand Parenting, a non-profit organization that supports parents all over the world. We are here for you when parenting gets hard.
