Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:01 Welcome to the hand in hand parent club podcast. I'm Emily Murray, a hand in hand instructor and a mom of
Speaker 1 00:00:06 Two I'm Kathy Gordon, a single adoptive mom of a now young adult son, a hand in hand instructor. And we are both moderators of hand in hand's awesome membership program. The parent club,
Speaker 0 00:00:17 Every week, we'll be answering a parenting question. You'll hear about hand in hand. Parenting's powerful, respectful parenting tools. We'll share how they help you work with your child's feelings, especially when their behavior gets harder. Confusing.
Speaker 1 00:00:29 You can feel good about using these tools. They've brought warmth and connection to our own families and to many thousands of families around the world who are using the hand in hand approach.
Speaker 0 00:00:39 That's why hand in hand and the parent club exist. We're here to support you and your family. So you have more good, sweet, fun times together.
Speaker 1 00:00:49 Hey, their parents welcome back. Last week, we talked about not taking the bait. So if I'm not gonna take the bait, then how do I even know when to set a limit? That's our question this week? How do I know when to set a limit? What is this about and how do I get to what's really going on?
Speaker 0 00:01:14 So the hand in hand approach has a unique way of, of looking at these situations. Um, if you can imagine in your mind, we're just gonna pause a moment of tension that's happening, and we're gonna look at it from lots of different angles for just a moment. And this might sound like a lot and, and, and it is, but the more you practice this approach of listen limit, listen, the easier I guess, and the quicker you can be at kind of assessing what's going on in the first place. So this first step of setting limits in the hand in hand approach is to listen and we're, we're listening on lots of levels and lots of different, um, and looking through lots of different lenses as, as we're listening. So in that first step of listening, we're kind of looking at the whole context of what's going on, what just happened, um, and with, for our child, what might be going on for them.
Speaker 0 00:02:16 Uh, but we're also looking toward ourselves and, and our response or our reaction to what's happening. So in this first part of the listen limit, listen, setting limits approach, um, you do that mental pause, um, for, and you just quickly assess and you check in you, you, you might ask yourself, do I need to know more about what's happening? Um, a famous phrase, uh, that I learned in my daughter's preschool was what's your plan. <laugh> as a child was walking by with like paint and papers and sticks. My initial reaction might be like, whoa, what's going on here? I see danger everywhere. But when I just simply ask the question in a curious way, you know, what's your plan, uh, the, the whole dynamic changes because I'm inviting them to show me, um, you know, are they off track and in an, and kind of in an angry way, like they're going after somebody with all those supplies or, or do they have kind of their big scheme, which children often do.
Speaker 0 00:03:28 Um, and then they can tell me their plan and I can decide, oh, do I need some safety parameters here? Or do we need a drop cloth? Um, but I can work with them in their plan or notice that they are off track and give them an opportunity to offload some of that anger or frustration that, that they might be feeling that's kind of driving that, um, that forward momentum into whatever it was they were going to do. Um, and you know, sometimes, um, children really just do need a little bit more information. So if I set a limit without a whole lot of context, and I say, no, I can't let you do that right now. And they say, but why you can kind of use your, your internal radar to, to get a sense of, do they really just need to know why?
Speaker 0 00:04:22 And a little explanation will meet that need? Um, or is this gonna evolve into 18 more but wise, so you can experiment, try an initial response to their, but why? And you say, oh, I can't let you have a snack right now because we're gonna have dinner in about 20 minutes. And I, I know you're hungry, but I need you to just wait. You know, here's one of the green beans I'm cooking and that might diffuse the situation. Um, and it might not, but you've just given that first listen, a really good check-in by saying, do they need more information? Do they need a little connection? Um, do I need to step back and check my own reaction to this situation? So it's a, this is like a lifelong practice that you can do from here on out is, is experimenting in that first step of the listen limit, listen process.
Speaker 1 00:05:17 Yeah, this is really, um, as you said, very unique to hand in hand, we've been talking about, um, how to bring the limit and then how to listen to the feelings. But we really wanted this week to focus on this first listen of our listen limit. Listen, where we do check in with ourselves, where we check in with the situation. There was one time my son was, I would say, I was gonna guess I say he was about four. And, um, it was, I needed to go to work. And so I needed to take him to daycare. I'm a single parent. And, um, you know, he started to protest and my mind started to sort of future trip that like, oh no, oh no, he's gonna, this is gonna be a big, you know, uh, to do, trying to get him into the car. Um, you know, I'm gonna be late to work own, you know, own my goodness.
Speaker 1 00:06:18 You know, I'm gonna get fired. I mean, just, you know, I really started to panic a little bit and I took that pause. Like Emily's talking about where I took a breath, probably put my hand on my chest, which often helps me stay in my body. And I just asked him like, well, you know, sweetie, what do you wanna do? And it turned out that all he wanted to do was, um, arrange some rocks that he had been playing with. And, um, once he had finished, you know, just took a few minutes to arrange those rocks and, and, um, and then he, you know, I said, okay, time to go. Mom's gotta go to work. And, and then we, you know, got in the car. So just taking that pause of, you know, assessing the situation and checking in with him and seeing what kind of, what he needed not to appease him, but really just to see what was going on with him. Um, it, it,
Speaker 0 00:07:23 You know, it's also super respectful of his work, like his thought process of his project wasn't complete and just by pausing and letting him complete it, that's really all he needed.
Speaker 1 00:07:37 Yes. And, you know, so sort of that idea of like jumping to the, to the idea that this is a problem versus, you know, this is a plan, you know, he had a plan and it was only a problem in my mind, but when I took that moment to listen to me, to listen to him, um, it turned out that we could move through it as a plan. And, and still, I mean, there was absolutely the limit of time to go. Um, but he, because he, I listened to him, uh, sort of in the beginning, the first listen, then there wasn't a lot of feelings to listen to. Uh, when I did bring the limit of time to go, sweetie,
Speaker 0 00:08:21 You bring up an important point there that, um, in that first listen, sometimes we figure out actually I really don't have the capacity to be playful right now, or no, we're already 10 minutes late and I have a meeting I have to get to. And so in those moments, we, we can decide, Nope, we, we really just have to set the limit. No, I can't be, um, patient for this. Um, we need a work around, um, or we need a distraction or, you know, workarounds and distractions, aren't hand in hand parenting tools, but they're, you know, life tools that parents sometimes have to use just to get through the day. Um, so just know that your needs and your perspective are also very important. Um, and sometimes you do have that bigger picture, uh, available to you that they don't necessarily have. Um, but it's that first check-in that gives us that information of, mm Nope. Actually I can't, I can't can't work with your plan right now.
Speaker 1 00:09:21 Yeah. And I think, you know, the point we're trying to make is that when you take that pause and you do that first listen, that you can see that you have different options, you know, do I have the time to let him arrange his rocks or do I need to kinda warmly scoop him up and listen to his feelings as we're moving to the car? Um, do I need a little bit of a worky work around of like, oh, hop on my back, come on, piggyback ride wild, piggyback, ride to the car, you know, bring your one
Speaker 0 00:09:51 Special rock with you. I'll keep it safe.
Speaker 1 00:09:55 Yes, no. So, but that, that stopping and, and, and pausing, um, it, you know, really does, uh, give us a moment to be creative about, you know, is a limit needed. Do I, uh, how do I wanna bring the limit? Do I wanna bring a warm firm node? Do I wanna be, be playful about bringing the limit? And one other thing that we, we, we wanna, um, make sure that you, you get in this, uh, idea is that when you do decide to do a work around or a distraction, um, just know that if there are feelings there, you might be delaying the inevitable. Um, and that's okay. You know, so it's, it's okay to, to, um, you know, kind of, okay, we're gonna get out, we're gonna leave the park and then I'll listen to feelings when we get home. Um, you, you know, that's, that's okay to, to make that decision.
Speaker 1 00:10:52 Um, but when the, the one area too, that we wanna caution you around this, and I know we're kind of throwing a lot at you with this first listen, is that, um, sometimes, uh, we can, we can get into a little trap of like, oh, well, if I just, um, give them this one thing, so it can often happen at bedtime where, you know, they, they, they ask for, uh, uh, one more book and then it's another drink. It's just one more drink of water. And then, oh, I'm hungry. I need a snack. Or, oh, I need that. I need my, um, my stuffed animals right over here lined up. And so it's like a
Speaker 0 00:11:35 Pinball machine going, going,
Speaker 1 00:11:38 Yes, yes. They, that they, um, you know, they keep asking for one thing after another, and this is not what we were, what I was talking about originally, where I just let my son arranges or rocks for that one time, if it had been the rocks. And then now I gotta, you know, now I have to go get this special toy and then I have to, and now I'm cold or I'm hot, you know, that would've been like, now I'm turning myself into a pretzel. Um, and so what we wanna tell you is that goes along with this first, listen is bringing a limit early, bring it early, and you may even have to bring it often. Um, if you know, your child seems to be ping ponging from one, trying to distract themselves to another, you know, where they're trying to avoid their feelings.
Speaker 1 00:12:29 So that's the other part of this first listen is, oh, okay. I've fulfilled one request. Now I'm gonna bring a limit. And so I'm gonna bring the limit early, um, because otherwise, uh, I might get into what I call what we call patient, patient, patient, patient. Okay. One more thing, one more thing. And then I lose it because now it's been 25 requests and we're, and, and, you know, we, I've been trying to get you to bed for an hour. So we call that patient patient. Boom. And so again, with this first check in, if you bring the limit early, you can avoid the patient patient. Boom.
Speaker 0 00:13:15 So, um, the, so back to the big picture of the hand in hand approach with setting limits is listen, limit, listen. And we've just given you a whole lot of information about that first listen. Um, but I don't get discouraged. It it's a lot of thinking and it's a lot of, um, really being curious and looking from lots of angles. But one of the wonderful things we have at hand in hand is also lots of support cuz you, you can't really do this first. Listen. Well, unless you have a place to go to kind of bounce off ideas and, and think out loud about how else could I have handled that if something went well or something went badly, um, what were my other options? You know, we can look back and learn from our experiences. Um, so, um, our, our one small thing this week is check in with yourself.
Speaker 0 00:14:14 First, when you notice, you think a limit might need to be set and don't be afraid to set those limits early and often, cuz sometimes those little early limits over something that feels totally unrelated or tiny allows all the feelings about all the things to pour out because it's so insignificant, they can kind of pin all of their feelings on it. So is a limit even needed. Um, is, do I have the capacity to listen? Um, because your needs matter too. And how might I, um, how might I meet them with connection in this moment of, of emotional, um, turmoil. So check in with yourself first and practice that first listen this week
Speaker 1 00:14:57 And then next week, next episode, we're gonna be talking more about this bringing limits early and bringing little limits, uh, on something that you might think is that, that you could, uh, appease them. But we're gonna talk, uh, next time about bringing little limits, so like subscribe and we'll see you next time. Bye bye.
Speaker 0 00:15:21 Thank you so much for tuning into the hand in hand parent club podcast, please like, and subscribe to hear more and to connect with us between these episodes. Come on over to hand in hand parenting.org to join the parent club where you can get coaching classes and live support.
Speaker 1 00:15:34 Come join our vibrant community of parents in the parent club who are committed to getting the support they need to be the parents they wanna become. We'd be honored to support you too. This podcast and the parent club are part of hand in hand parenting, a non-profit organization that supports parents all over the world. We are here for you when parenting gets hard.
