Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:01 Welcome to the hand in hand parent club podcast. I'm Emily Murray, a hand in hand instructor and a mom of two
Speaker 1 00:00:06 I'm Kathy Gordon, a single adoptive mom of a now young adult son, a hand in hand instructor. And we are both moderators of hand in hand's awesome membership program. The parent club,
Speaker 0 00:00:17 Every week, we'll be answering a parenting question. You'll hear about hand in hand. Parenting's powerful, respectful parenting tools. We'll share how they help you work with your child's feelings, especially when their behavior gets harder. Confusing.
Speaker 1 00:00:29 You can feel good about using these tools. They've brought warmth and connection to our own families and to many thousands of families around the world who are using the hand in hand approach.
Speaker 0 00:00:39 That's why hand in hand and the parent club exist. We're here to support you and your family. So you have more good, sweet fun times together. So our question this week is why are they so clingy and needy after we've just given them attention? Mm, yes. So <laugh>, there's um, there can be a sense sometimes as parents that, um, like this, this transaction should occur where I give you the, all the attention I have available right now, and you happily receive it and then go on with your day and, and go play independently and do your own thing, um, behave or right. Just behave. Like I just poured in all this attention and you're still misbehaving. So, um, we wanna dig into this phenomenon that is, is common and normal and something we hear about all the time in the parent club. Um, why does this happen?
Speaker 0 00:01:41 Why is it that they can't just take that connection and attention and playfulness that we've just given and use it to go, to go move on with their day and, and play. So sometimes it's that they just kind of have a buildup of tension. They have a buildup of upset and it, they kind of feel a bit like a bottomless pit. Like you can't possibly pour in enough connection for them to have that sense of equilibrium where a child just feels at ease. Um, so sometimes it takes a little time to, to kind of heal whatever cracks in their cup are there, so they can really hold our attention well and use it well. Um, but there are also times where we have to ask ourselves, were they really getting a full dose of our attention? <laugh> were, were they really feeling us delighting in them and who they are and what they do, which is kind of the, the, um, standard of, of special time. Those are kind of the guidelines we go by is that throughout that timer, as long as that timer's on, we're really just putting our blinders on to the rest of the world and focusing just on them. So
Speaker 1 00:02:56 Make a good, make a really good point, Emily, about the difference special time and like a day where you spend the day with them, but you're doing chores, you're running errands. You know, maybe you're even running errands for them, but you're like, you know, you're focused on the store and the clerk and the, what you need to buy.
Speaker 0 00:03:15 It's like salt in the wound. Sometimes I remember one time in particular, I was literally making a call to her doctor for an appointment for her. And that call just made her go. So squirrly and I was thinking inside, I am making a call for you. Can you pause? <laugh> yep.
Speaker 1 00:03:33 At one time I was taking my son to get surfing equipment or, you know, or, or, you know, and we were, we, we were going to all these different surf shops to get exactly what he needed. And then we went to go hang out with friends and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me talk to the other adults because I had just spent all this time, you know, going for all these different surf shops, looking for something that he wanted.
Speaker 0 00:03:57 Right. That seems fair and logical. And I think if all of us could wave a magic wand, that's how it would work, but we get imperfect humans instead. And, you know, we ourselves, sometimes we are busy and multitasking, um, or something happens and we think, oh, this is the perfect time for me to impart this important information and this perfect lesson,
Speaker 1 00:04:22 Teach moment.
Speaker 0 00:04:23 Yeah. Those, those multitasking moments and teachable moments can really crowd out their ability to feel our approval of and delight in them just as they are. They really notice when they don't have our attention. And, um, there's one of my earliest, um, memories of my youngest, of my younger child, um, talking <laugh>. It was when I had said it was special time and I set the timer and I said, you know, it's, it's, it's special time. What do you wanna do? And she had picked this, you know, toddler game. Um, and as we were doing, I think I was only sending it for like 10 minutes, but somewhere midway through that special time, I got distracted. I think a text came through on my phone and I stopped and I looked at my phone and I was checking in with the text and I look back and my daughter's face was just incredulous. She was like two and a half, like, you know, really toddler. And she said, mommy is special time. And, oh, I was just like, oh, in that moment. So I said, you are right. I'm gonna reset the timer right now. Let's start over again. Um, so they, they really do notice when they don't have our attention and really early on, they can notice when we aren't giving special time, the, the quality of attention that they've come to us to expect.
Speaker 1 00:06:02 <laugh>. Yeah. And just to remind our listeners, you know, special time is one on one undivided attention where you set a timer for a fine item on of time and you, it doesn't matter. You let them do whatever they wanna do within safety and financial constraints. And the activity doesn't matter. What really matters is that you are delighting in them. And yeah, I say, you know, when you're, when you're setting that timer, when you're giving them that time, you know, even that towel, that's screaming to be picked up over there on the floor, you know, try to ignore that and just really delight in them. Um, and, but we, we do wanna tell you, there's a little bit of a caveat to special time, which is that sometimes that there I, that, that this attention we give our kids, there's two sides to this coin. As Emily was talking about you, you, um, you pour in your connection and then the timer goes off and, and often your child is able to play by themselves. They are, they're more flexible. They're playing be
Speaker 0 00:07:05 Actually sometimes
Speaker 1 00:07:07 Yes, yes, they're playing better with their sibling, but there can also be this other side of the corn where we pour in that warm connection and that actually invites feelings. And so when that timer goes off and that's a, an ending or a limit that they bump up against, then there, there might be a whole bunch of feelings. When I first started doing special time with my son, the timer would get off, go off and he would get so angry. And I was flabbergasted because again, I was thinking like, Emily was talking earlier, I just gave you 10 minutes, 20 minutes. I just watched you play, you know, do tricks on your skateboard or, you know, um, uh, play some, you know, just watched you line up all your trucks. You know, it was boring as heck, but I was just delighting in you and now you're gonna get angry.
Speaker 1 00:08:02 And I, I had such a hard time with it. And then as we're this, in this article, we're gonna, uh, send along this week. Um, what you'll find out is that, um, what you wanna do is leave a buffer of time. So let's say you have 30 minutes until you have to cook dinner, offer 10 minutes of special time. So that then you have this buffer of time in case there might not be any feelings they might go bipping along, but just in case that there are some big feelings you've left a little buffer of time that when the timer goes off, boy, I tell you when I started doing this and I would listen to my son's upset about the timer going off, or that you'll get that begging just five more minutes, mom, just two more minutes, just one more minute, you know? And, and that means that, that your attention has invited some feelings. So leave a little buffer of time for that.
Speaker 0 00:08:58 You know, I think sometimes, um, one of the things that creeps in for me in special time is toward, as I, as I sense, I think special, time's gonna be over soon. My mind does start going to what's the next thing I have to do. And I, I think sometimes that adds to that kind of feelings bubble that can happen at the end of special time when they sense, like we're already out the door, they're like,
Speaker 1 00:09:23 No, no, come back. They, they feel you separating already, you know, that time goes off and then they feel you like your attention moving away.
Speaker 0 00:09:32 Yeah. So our one small thing this week that, uh, you can experiment with, try it out, see how it works. See if it changes anything about your experience of special time is to name it and time it like you might normally do. Um, but, but set the timer for, um, a shorter amount of time than you have available. So if you have 10 minutes for special time set the timer for like a quarter or a half of the amount of time that you actually have available. So you feel really spacious with your time. So that ending, um, that the timer creates, um, they still sense that they have you a little bit on that other side available to them and you can do a little stay listening, um, possibly afterwards. So give that a try.
Speaker 1 00:10:16 Yeah. So this episode we've been, um, talking to you about giving your attention and, and even welcoming the tantrum next week. We're gonna talk about isn't there a way to stop the tantrums and the crying. So thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week. Bye-bye
Speaker 0 00:10:36 Thank you so much for tuning into the hand in hand parent club podcast, please liken subscribe to hear more and to connect with us between these episodes. Come on over to handin hand parenting.org to join the parent club where you can get coaching classes and live support.
Speaker 1 00:10:49 Come join our vibrant community of parents in the parent club who are committed to getting the support they need to be the parents they wanna become. We'd be honored to support you too. This podcast and the parent club are part of hand in hand parenting, a nonprofit organization that supports parents all over the world. We are here for you when parenting gets hard.
